Comment spammers and professionalism

I get comment spam continuously, but this one really cracked me up with it’s opening line:

Hello, I am a professional social media business manager, obviously.

Obvious how? Because you actually  type out entire words? Because with a name like “Ed” I should know who you are immediately? To quote someone, “Your overconfidence is your weakness!” (Among other things…)

By building more than 10,000 real people profile endorsements using Facebook LIKES to your business page.

Sentence fragment. Yes, reaaaaaally professional. I just can’t wait to hire you to continue to spread bad grammar and rhetoric around the interwebs.

This tell Google that your website is relative and authentic to what you do.

Hmmm. “This tell Google.” Mocking native Americans now, are we? How exactly does one show that a website is authentic to what you do? I think you got your words turned around, Mr. Professional social media business manager.

IT WILL BE POSTED RIGHT ON YOUR PAGE FOR ALL VISITORS TO SEE HOW MANY -(people) Facebook LIKES !you have, via Facebook, by real FB counter button.

Don’t yell at me. A professional social media business manager would know not to yell at his contacts. But at least he’s not peddlin’ none o’ them fake FB counter buttons! Why, I had one of them once. Turned my whole website green, it did! Darn near had to amputate my CSS file to save it!

Click on to see how you can do this in you free time or no time  … [website redacted]

Trust me, sir, I’m doing you a favor by redacting your web address. Your company should really try to disassociate itself from you. Especially after you continue on to become even more incomprehensible.

How do you think Justin Bieber(singer) get his first 1,000,000 followers before his first album? His producers bought the followers for him?

You don’t know either? Then why bring it up? Also, have you not read the news lately? Invoking the name of Justin Bieber to a legitimate business is not exactly a good move just now.

…
These indicators (Facebook LIKES) will be visible on your website. If you have not installed Facebook Like count button on your website – I can help you install it!

After my work is finished, the Facebook LIKES Count Button will confirm a high ranking of your site, which will be noticed and appreciated by your visitors, and they will also be able to recommend your site to their friends on these social network.

Okay, this is starting to sound suspicious. You already felt compelled before to emphasize the FB counter is “real”! Now you want to install it for me. Uh….no.

The cost of the service is very low compared to the obvious gains, just the credibility you will gain alone.

Okay, I’m not really clear on the details, here. So, for free you will destroy the credibility I established by myself? That doesn’t sound so good, even if it IS free.

I work without pre-payment. Payment is carried out after all the work is done.
You pay and all Facebook LIKES are placed.

Again, this seems a little unclear. All the work is done before I pay, but once I pay all the likes will come? How can I be sure you’ve done any work, then?

Please let me know if you are interested.
If this does not interest you, I’m sorry to have bothered you! Have a good day!

I doubt you’re sorry, but it’s nice of you to somewhat acknowledge that you’ve wasted my time and comments feed with unsolicited spam.

Unsubscribe here http:[redacted]

Sincerely,
Facebook LIKES Provider

I never subscribed, silly, and I’ll be darned if I acknowledge your spam by visiting your site. That’s not an unsubscribe URL anyhow, and there’s no guarantee there’ll be one on your site.

Sorry, Mr. Professional Social Media Business Manager, but you’ve done absolutely nothing to assure me you’re legitimate in any way, or that you are the type of “professional” I want to deal with. But thank you for providing me some amusement, and for helping me feel just a LIIIIIIIIIITTLE BIT SUPERIOR! (Now go away!)

P.S. Yes, I know this fellow may not be a native English speaker and therefore is doing quite well. But this is the Internet age, and it would cost at most $10 to have someone who is an English-speaking marketing writer rework that obviously copy-n-paste boilerplate into something that wouldn’t offend the intelligence of the reader. Legitimate businesses know how to act like it.