Facing fears

When it comes to giving blood I’m a chicken. I admit it. I’ve never been able to do it. And it didn’t help any that several years back I passed out during a First Aid class at work (in my defense, the instructor was a paramedic, and was showing some rather gruesome photos he’d collected through the years). It was an isolated incident, but I’ve developed anxiety issues in certain situations. The anxiety, unfortunately, feels enough like getting light-headed that it feeds my anxiety further. And anything that I think might cause me to faint triggers my anxiety. A particularly graphic description of flogging in a book, for example, can trigger it (which can be extremely inconvenient and panic-inducing when its an audiobook and I’m cruising along on the freeway).

The office where I work has a remote blood donation unit come in once a quarter. I know I should donate. But I’ve always talked myself out of it or been conviently swamped with work. They come, I think “yeah, I should”, they go, and I’ve not donated.

Last week I talked myself into it. I did okay until they got me into the interview. When they started describing what they do I felt that old familiar panic rising. I tried my usual countermeasures: remind myself to breathe, think of something else, focus on the person speaking, etc. It helped. But then I hit a snag. I have a heart condition that could preclude my donating blood. They wanted to know my “grade”, which I don’t think I’ve ever been told. But without that they’re not willing to risk draining me. And that’s okay. I don’t want them draining me if they’re not sure what it will do.

To quote the guys on that commercial, “Reeeeeeeeejected!”

Oddly enough I’m actually disappointed that I can’t donate. Enough that I’ve called my cardiologist to try and find out my grade. He’s moved on, but someone there looked at my charts and estimated I’m a two out of six. I think that’s low enough that I might still be able to donate. But it’ll have to be next time. The donation unit closed shop while I was on the phone.

So I’m not yet able to say I’ve faced down that particular fear. But I took several large steps toward it. That’s a start, I guess.