Life imitating art

This morning I was getting ready for work by loading up my pockets with my wallet, comb, keys, cellphone, mp3 player, and security badge, then picking up my personal bag, my work laptop bag, and my lunchbox. It occurred to me that with all that preparation I really needed background music. You know the kind: stirring, martial music played during a montage of people resolutely putting on gear and securing it. “BRUMP-tata-tat-BRUMP-tata-tata-BRUM-BRUMP…” Such music could really give a person a proper send-off in the morning.

Then I got to thinking just how helpful it could be if all life came with a soundtrack. I could be out walking my dog and, depending on the music, know exactly what to expect. Music is peaceful? Great, nothing to worry about. The Music is ominous and surging? Better hurry before those thunderclouds get here! I’m hearing nothing but a high, thin tremolo in the strings? Get out the mace and run like the dickens!

But then if life had a soundtrack, would that also mean it has scriptwriters? If that’s the case, as my children have noted, the safest place I could ever be is with my dog. Pets survive distaster/apocalypse movies. Pets and kids. Take a look at “Independence Day” some time. Every pet and every kid survives. Two out of three of those families lose at least one parent, but the kids and the dog survive. Single people? Fuhgeddaboutit! Single people live only to die in apocalypses. Harry Connick, Jr., Vivica Fox’s stripper friend? Jeff Goldblum’s boss? Brent Spiner? All dead. Unless, of course, you’re in a failed/failing relationship. Then you’ll live to see it reconciled.

Now, as noted, while the kids survive, being their parent is no guarantee, but the odds are still better than the single people. And if you’ve got to die, there’s pretty good odds you’ll die in a heroic sacrifice that saves your family, if not mankind. Okay, Mary McDonnell buys the farm, but Randy Quaid vindicates his crazy stories, saves humanity, regains his kids’ respect, and gets in some great lines in the process. If you’ve got to go, that’s how you do it!

Of course, since not every day is an apocalypse, I’d most likely get a screenplay for a slice-of-life drama. And NO ONE is happy in those. With any luck I can arrange for a rom-com, though rom-coms about married people are rare. Perhaps a general comedy? Meeeeeeh, the dads in those tends to endure a lot of psychological and physical trauma. I think I’ll pass.

Unless I get a stunt double.