I recently read a few articles recently by veterans who don’t like being thanked for their military service. I can respect that. But I’ve also heard from a lot of other veterans who do like to be appreciated. The discussions in the comments sections have been interesting and varied. I’ve had to modify my thinking a little as a result, and I will probably behave a little differently in the future. But I still intend to express my gratitude.
That said, those who are uncomfortable with thanks make some interesting and valid points. Most of them boil down to the following:
I didn’t do anything important. – I sincerely doubt there is a job in the military that is not, in some way, important. Did your service consist of servicing jeeps? I’ll bet the soldiers who were able to escape an ambush because that jeep function properly are grateful for your service. And if more soldiers come home alive because of the service of those supporting them, then I’m grateful for that.
You don’t understand what we went through. – True. I don’t. I also don’t really understand what it’s like to be a policeman or fireman. I don’t understand what it is to repair electrical lines in a storm. But that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate that someone does do it. I’m willing to try and understand if you’ll let me.
I didn’t believe in our mission. – I can certainly appreciate that. If you ask me, that’s all the more reason to thank you. You didn’t believe in the mission, but you did it anyway. That’s the heart of military service right there. You are essentially putting your life in the hands of the US Government, doing what they tell you to do, whether you can see a good reason for it or not. If nothing else, that is what makes military service worthy of thanks.
I chose this life. I enjoy what I do. I like the pay. No thanks are needed. Your taxes paid for my ‘vette. – Great! I’m glad to hear that! I’d be even more relieved to hear that if we had a conscript military like many other countries. But like it or not, the act of turning your life over to the US Government to do with as it will is not an ordinary thing. If my thanks are not needed, that’s fine. You have it anyway, but I’m also glad to hear you’re enjoying what you do. Not everyone does.
You’re just trying to alleviate your guilt for not signing up yourself. – Uh… No. Now you’re just being judgmental. I didn’t enlist, that’s true. But I don’t feel guilty about it. I work hard and pay my taxes without griping (much) because I know some of it’s going to pay you for your service. And, as a short, wimpy asthmatic with heart trouble, you should probably thank me for not serving, because I would probably be a liability in anything but a desk job. I do, however, regret that soldiers in times past were treated badly when they came home. And I regret that there are people out there right now who look down on people who serve in the military as ignorant brutes, as hapless pawns, as wannabe killers, or fools too dumb for real work. I want to make it clear that those people do not represent me.
It makes me uncomfortable. – For this I am sorry, if such is the case. And I can understand that. I recently had a colleague at work get called up for active duty through his reserve unit. I was tasked to take over his work. As we spent the next several days going through the hand-off he thanked me repeatedly for stepping in. I did feel a little uncomfortable. I wasn’t the one about to leave my family behind for nine months, missing my daughter’s high school graduation. Nor was I given any choice in taking on his work. Alternately, I also wasn’t the one going to help out people he didn’t even know in their fight against Ebola. Compared to that, there’s nothing particularly noble about taking over implementing changes to a data interface. I’m equally uncomfortable when, after singing in church, people come up to me and tell me how wonderful it was, even though I knew I had a frog in my throat the whole time and was only “passable” as far as what I knew I could do. But ultimately, responsibility for feeling uncomfortable in those situations is on our own heads. It’s no fair to place the blame on others whose intentions are good.
I’d rather you supported healthcare/benefits for veterans or paid more attention to who you elect so we don’t have to keep doing this. – Okay, that’s a valid point. But you’re kind of assuming I don’t. And I wish our political system were so transparent that we could know exactly how each candidate will respond when military force becomes an option before we vote for them. I also wish we had a world that was cut and dried enough to be able to tell the difference between a good mission, a bad mission, and a mission that simply needs to be done. Unfortunately, we don’t have that world. All the more reason to thank the people who pay the price for our lack of vision and clarity.
I served in peace time. – And I’d like to think that’s why we enjoyed that period of peace. I’m also glad that, since you were willing to volunteer, that you were able to serve out your time in a job that is still dangerous, even in peace time, and come home safely. But no one ever goes into service knowing that they’ll not be called on to put their lives on the line somewhere. You had the luck of the draw. I’m still grateful you served in the first place.
But ultimately I did not want to write this post to argue with veterans about what they should feel. I really would rather talk about why I feel a desire to thank you for your service, and why it might not be what you think.
Like it or not, America is a superpower. Everyone turns to us to bail them out of tight spots, even while cursing our name. Whenever disaster strikes somewhere in the world we’re often among the first to respond. We can’t do what we do without a strong military. That we are able to do all of this with an entirely volunteer military is extraordinary. Like it or not, few countries are able to match this. While I suppose this says as much about our incentive system as the people who step up, I’m not prepared to discount the people who do step up. We have influence in the world because we can still get people to volunteer to project that power.
Similarly, attacks on our home soil have been few and far between because we have a strong military. In my mind one of the greatest roles of the military is to discourage those who wish our country harm. That’s why I feel service in peace time is just as valuable.
Serving in the military is not just another job. As I’ve mentioned above, when you join the military you set aside a great number of your freedoms. You have some control over the trajectory of your career there, but you do not get to choose your missions. You go where they tell you, whether it’s fighting terrorists and insurgents in Iraq, having a staring contest with the North Koreans across the DMZ, or rendering aid in the aftermath of a tsunami. While a small percentage of the over-all military is directly in harm’s way at a given time, a lot of work goes on behind the scenes to keep the point of the spear sharp. You don’t know going in whether you’ll spend your time at a desk in Texas, on a flight line in Minot ND, or the sweltering heat of Baghram Air Base. You don’t know, and may have no say in how often you have contact with or can see your loved ones. When something goes wrong at home there may be darn little you can do.
While I have the highest respect for police and firefighters, they have a great deal more personal freedom in their service. This does not diminish their service so much as increase the respect I have for the military and their potential to go anywhere and do anything–including die–at their government’s whim. Like it or not, that’s not a normal job. You cannot equate what you do with what I do. I write a check to the government for a dollar amount that is always less than what I make. You write a check for up to and including your life. In my job my greatest fear is that the company might have a downturn and I’ll have to go find another job. In your job, I’ve heard vets express, your greatest fear is that you’ll screw up and your follow soldiers will die. There is a big difference between my job and your job.
Your reasons for joining up don’t negate the fact that you did. Some join for truly altruistic reasons. Some join because of the incentives. Some join to get an education. Some may even join just to see the world. Some just want to avoid boredom. Whatever. There are other ways to fulfill those desires. But you chose the military. Service is service.
In the past, some have not had the choice. They were drafted. They may not have wanted to serve, but they did. That, too, is worthy of respect and appreciation. Many found ways around it. They didn’t. Even if they didn’t find themselves on the front lines, service is service.
You represent all soldiers, especially the ones that didn’t come back. And you also represented all of us. Undoubtedly some soldiers have sacrificed a lot more than others. I understand that, and I believe most Americans do also. When we thank you, we’re often not just thanking you, but every soldier you represent. Is that fair to you? I don’t know. You certainly represented all of us to every foreign person you contacted during your service, and I believe that the vast majority of you represented us well. So when I thank you for your service, I’m thanking all soldiers, since there are a great many I will never meet, and far too many I will never even have the ability to meet in this life. I’m not just thanking you, but thanking all the soldiers I won’t be able to, through you.
I wasn’t around to change the lack of welcome and respect given soldiers in the past. I don’t want that to happen in my time. One of the soldiers quoted in one of the articles above said he would prefer to be called a baby killer and spat on, as at least that person has an opinion. That’s unfair. I have an opinion, too. No, it’s not that all soldiers are saints, heroes, or the best of America’s youth, though some are. I don’t ignore that nasty things happen in war. I’m not viewing all soldiers through rose-colored glasses. I simply believe that serving your country in a role that calls on you to do hard, even violent things at the orders of a government, whose cause may or may not be just, is at least worthy of respect and a measure of understanding.
There are atrocities. I know that. People violate the code of conduct we expect from our troops. They usually deserve to be punished and shamed. But that does not detract from those who did their best to serve honorably, even when given difficult, even conflicting orders. And until I have a way to be completely sure which type of soldier you may be, I’d prefer my default assumption was that you did your job, and did it as best you could. You may disillusion me at your leisure.
Your families seem to want to hear gratitude for sacrifice, yours and theirs. One of the most common comments I’ve seen in reading up on this issue comes from family members who absolutely love it when we treat their veteran loved-ones with gratitude. Perhaps that’s because they live in the middle-ground between the civilian public and the men and women in uniform. Perhaps they are more bothered by public indifference. They certainly deserve our thanks, perhaps as much or more than you do.
While you may not be one of them, there are a great many who need to hear it. I’m sorry if I make you uncomfortable. If there’s some sort of clue you can give me that you don’t want to hear it, I’ll try not to say it. But clearly there are those who don’t just like to hear it, but need to hear it. Which is the worse crime, to make you uncomfortable, or to not render aid where needed? I think I’d prefer to err on the side of bolstering those who need it.
That all said, your arguments against my gratitude are not falling on deaf ears. You’ve given me a lot to think about. You’ve impressed me with the level of discourse accompanying all these posts. Veterans on both sides of the question have stated their feelings politely and clearly. And you tell me you’re no one special? I’ve never seen a more polite series of discussions on open forums. Not only is it appreciated, but it has an impact. Those who state their case calmly and politely engage my thinking a lot more quickly than those who try to shout or insult me into submission.
I vow to try and find better ways to engage with veterans. It may take me some time to improve on “thank you for your service.” I’m not exactly a social ninja. Maybe I should be saying, “I’m grateful for all of you who serve,” or “I’m glad you’re home.” I will certainly try to be more aware of those military families around me who might need my support. I will try find ways to get to know you at least a little before issuing a blanket “Thank you” so that you can know that I know where you’re coming from at little better. I’ll try to be a little better prepared to buy a veteran a drink or offer him a job, should the situation arise.
All I ask is that you not immediately doubt my sincerity if all I can manage is “thank you for your service.” Maybe it’s not the best way to express it, but it is meant sincerely. I’ll certainly understand if you respond much the same way I do when sweet little old ladies thank me for my solo in church: with an uncomfortable, but well-intentioned, “you’re welcome.”