I awoke this morning to someone on my Facebook feed insisting I unfriend them if I fit into any of seven categories of people. While I was not surprised by some of the categories, others came as a bit of a shock:
- “not all cops are bad” people
- “all lives matter” people
- “blue lives matter” people
- “I don’t care about politics” people
- “violence is never the answer” people
- “I don’t see race/colour” people
- anyone staying neutral or silent
I have not, as yet, unfriended myself. Instead I expressed my willingness to comply with their wishes, but asked them to first explain to me which lives should not matter. I have not yet received an answer, and I don’t expect I will. Okay, I get it; for some people the fact that many of those phrases came as reactions to “black lives matter,” but to assume that everyone who uses them does so to refute the sentiment is misguided. I suspect at least as many interpret things as an “and” rather than an “or.”
And that’s what really bothers me about this. People seem determined to push people away. Just a few days ago I was largely moving in the same direction as most everyone else: there didn’t seem to be a good explanation of why George Floyd died in police custody. I was all for a full inquiry and criminal charges for any police found breaking laws or any code of acceptable behavior.
As of this morning I still am. I’m not changing my mind that this was a situation that should have been avoided, and people may be criminally liable that it wasn’t. But I definitely don’t feel comfortable with a bunch of white people telling the black people trying to survive at ground zero that it’s for their own good if their livelihoods are destroyed, their lives are put at risk, and their neighborhoods torn apart.
It doesn’t sit well with me when people keep saying, “well, maybe this is what it takes to get the point across,” while sitting comfortably and securely miles away from the epicenter. I’ll believe you mean what you say when you volunteer your own house, your own business or place of work for the torch. It’s easy to advocate things for others when it costs you nothing.
I find it fascinating how quickly things can turn. At this time last week we were still arguing over what the proper response is to the pandemic. At this time last week people were insisting that if it saves even one life it will be worth any inconvenience, any amount of disruption to the economy. In just a few days we (often the very same people) have gone to “if you believe that every life matters I want nothing to do with you.”
This could very well be the heart of the problem: For some of us, “every life is important” means the same to us regardless of context. For others it changes. Some feel it changes to a refutation of “black lives matter” under different circumstances. I don’t. Nor am I willing to buy into “all police are bad.” I know it’s not true. I know policemen who, had they been there, George Floyd would still be alive, even if they had to go against every other cop there to do it. For me to buy into the bigotry expressed above would require me to live a lie. But I also don’t believe that all cops are good, either, and would never use that as an excuse to not seek to improve things and get rid of the bad cops.
Alternately, there are some things on that list I whole-heartedly agree with. Like it or not, I do see race and color. And while I try very hard to not let that change how I treat someone, I can’t be completely sure. I do judge people–all people. I make assumptions about people–or at least how I should react to people–based on clothing, location, time of day, seclusion, etc. all the time. I also don’t believe that violence is never the answer. Those who think otherwise haven’t asked enough questions. It’s to be avoided as much as possible, yes, but it should never be entirely off the table.
One the other hand, there are some of those categories that really are just personal preference. Perhaps people should care about politics, but should you really want nothing to do with someone just because they don’t want to care? I certainly see people who care too much about politics, and they’re often unpleasant to be around. I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to care about politics. And if they’re willing to accept the consequences of not caring, that should be their choice.
Likewise for staying neutral or silent. It’s a valid stance–and there are plenty of situations where it’s probably even the best response. Had a certain bunch of men in Georgia recently done the same there would be one more black man alive right now. Rushing to judgment has done a lot of harm in this country and around the world. Silence can be an awesome response if it also involves listening. If anything, it’s the insisting that everyone must pick a side that is destroying this country. Far too often you force the very people who might have helped you achieve your goals into a position where they feel the have to oppose you.
And that’s the problem with this list. I do agree with them on some of these. And I probably do agree with them that something more needs to be done in the George Floyd case. I’ll never know now, because that friend chose to cut me off–or rather force me to do it. It was presented as “one strike and you’re out.” Yes, I know, I don’t have to just because they asked. And I realize that by doing so I’m probably validating myself as the bigot in their mind. But in trying to explore this further I was given a taste of who would be left if people like me complied, and I decided I didn’t want to be there when that happened. For all I know I was the last hold-out. I’m saddened that this friend I respected would choose people like that over me, but that’s his choice.
I hope there will be justice for George Floyd. I suspect it won’t be the justice that some people want, but I do hope it’s the justice that causes true change. I hope the people who are driving for change will present clear, reasonable objectives that we can all actually work toward. I hope people come to realize that while rioting does indeed send a message, it can never send a clear or focused enough message to deliver real, positive change. For that we need people who are willing to sit down and talk, and patiently come to agreements that move us in the right direction. Maybe they’re right, and rioting is the only thing that will bring people to the table. I’m just afraid they’re forgetting that it’s only a means, and only one means, and not the end. And I’m afraid they’re forgetting that there are people caught in the middle who did not and would not choose to be there.
I’ll say it again: everyone is important. I’m saddened that someone I like and respect has decided I am not worthy of respect, and that I’m no longer important simple because I don’t entirely agree with them. But, if they really don’t want my association any more, I have to honor their choice.